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Cold Turkey Detox Day

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I’ve been dying to get to this keyboard and write for the past week, but I’ve been working about 6 million hours a day so that hasn’t left much room for me to actually have a life. As usual. But that’s about to change.

Today marks an important day for me. One that my husband and I have planned and discussed for quite some time. Earlier this year, we had [yet another] conversation about my severe workaholism that turns on with each new school year. Ever since I’ve been a teacher, I’ve had this problem of working way many hours, to the point of excluding and neglecting  much of everything else in my life including my husband, my health, my home, my family, my friends, my hobbies, and worst of all, my relationship with God. I worked so hard to become a teacher because I wanted a career that I loved as much as the rest of my life. I thought I’d attained that. But in truth, what I’ve actually done is become nothing but a teacher. My whole personality (and even maybe my identity–I’m still figuring that one out) has become wrapped up in my career.

I’ve tried many different ways of making this more bearable over the years, but nothing worked because I never just decided I wasn’t going to be this way and did something serious about it. Until now. My husband is 100% hard-core about something when he makes a decision. JUST DO IT is definitely a motto he rolls with. So, I’m taking his guidance and I’m quitting cold-turkey. ( Not teaching, you goofs!) I’m quitting my workaholism. Cold. Turkey. TODAY.

We set the date of October 1st to start my detox from working like crazy…after which I will no longer allow myself to voluntarily stay at school past 5pm (with the exception of one “late night” each week which will be the same night Todd has another committment until 8pm) and I won’t be bringing home any work in the evening or on weekends.

GULP…

So, even though I’m excited about it, because I will actually have a life (!) I am also very very nervous. I have lived so out of balance in this way for so long, I’m not sure what to do to make it go well. I’ve thought about it, talked about it, prayed about it, and I still just seriously cannot see how I’ll physically be able to be the teacher I want to be without at the same time working at least as much as I already do right now. Which is probably why I just need to stop allowing myself to be out of balance, and just figure out how to cope with the fallout later. I know that there is a way to make it happen, I just can’t see it yet. Lord, help me!

So would you please pray for me? Even though I am having a mini freak-out realizing what a big deal this will be for me, I know in reality that my priorities really are out of whack, and that speaks more about me than just saying I’m a little bit of a workaholic. My life is made up of so much more than just my career–even as important as it is–and I need to remember what those so much more parts actually are. I’m praying for wisdom, for God to show me what’s on my plate that needs to be moved, changed, reduced, or kicked off completely. Interestingly enough, I’ve already had 2 different but very obvious attacks on this new goal that have come up in the past 2 days… I was giddy when I realized it, because that means I’m right on track with making this change. 🙂

I’ll be writing about how things are going along the way (duh) whether it’s good, bad, or ugly. Thank you in advance for your prayers and for kicking me in the boo-tay whenever I need it. Keep reminding me of what’s most important.

I’m looking forward to getting my eyes back on the One who matters.

Good advice

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I’m always amazed at how incredibly gracious God is to us messed up ragamuffins, especially to me. . You poor folks who actually read this thing…I didn’t mean to worry you too much. I know how squirmy you people who love me can get when I have a little huge freak-out and start writing posts like this and I’m not my perky self. I understand how you worry about me because my moods swing from one end of crazy to the other, and with serious quickness. It’s really happened too many times this year. I’m chalking it up to my terribly short memory. You know, the one that always seems to forget somehow that God is completely in control of my everything and that usually when I’m freaked out it’s because I haven’t spent enough time with Him and my eyes are looking in another direction. Yeah, that short memory.

I want to thank you for your prayers…many of you mentioned that you had been praying for me, and I certainly did need it. Several of you sent me messages with encouraging words, telling me what you have experienced in times similar to this, when everything just seemed too…well, too everything. Like things were spinning out of control and you felt imbalanced and unsure of the next step. Thank you for all of that encouragement. What did I ever do to deserve friends like the ones I have? *sigh*

So as you know, all this craziness has been brought on by my workaholic personality. I’ve known about it for a long time, but in the last couple of years I’ve really been thinking about how to make it better. I haven’t exactly figured out the root cause, but it seems as if it is likely several things all together. God’s still showing me all that. But this week, Todd asked me to read a part of a book he’s reading (The Christian Atheist-I read the first few chapters then he hijacked it and I hadn’t finished yet!) because he said that it reminded him of me and my current situation. The author relates his own struggle with being a workaholic, and the process he went through to change. But this part was at the beginning of his real journey, about him basically telling his counselor, after much probing and prodding,  that he didn’t feel like he would change because this was just who he was. The counselor leaned over to him and said something like “So, basically, you’re saying that our God isn’t big enough to change you?”

THAT was his turning point. When he admitted that he really was telling God “You can’t handle this job,” that made a world of difference for him. I mean, who says that to God? Who ever could? Obviously He can handle anything.

Okay, that’s great…but I didn’t think that really related to me specifically because I wasn’t telling God that I couldn’t change. I have been telling Him for a long time that I needed Him to show me what the deal was so I could figure out how to fix it. Right there was my first hint,  but I didn’t really get it until later in the weekend.

Fast-forward to Saturday morning. I woke up, so happy that I could just reach over and grab a book and read in bed for a while before ever having to get up to do anything. I grabbed a couple of books (nerd alert!) and my bible.  I started praying and thanking God for an awesome morning, and asking Him to speak to me. I did that thing that I do sometimes where I ask God to speak to me through His word and I just let my bible fall open, then I read whatever catches my eye on that page. It’s not rocket science, I know. Maybe you have a better way, but I know He has been faithful to speak to me many times like that. I may be random, but He isn’t.

This time, it fell open to Psalm 107, which starts out: Shout praises to the LORD!   He is good to us, and his love never fails. Everyone the LORD has rescued  from trouble should praise him… Alright. Check. Moving on…

Then it starts explaining all these different types of people and the situations they’ve gotten themselves into, and how when they finally cried out to Him, he rescued them from their circumstances and restored them back to an even better place than when they’d started out. It talked about people who were homeless wanderers, hungry and thirsty, depressed, imprisoned, distressed, foolish, rebellious, enslaved, sinful, physically ill, sailing on high seas, discouraged, etc… Do you see yourself yet? I didn’t. Not until I read the verses again, and in 10-16, I saw my face:

Some of you were prisoners  suffering in deepest darkness  and bound by chains,

    because you had rebelled  against God Most High  and refused his advice.

    You were worn out  from working like slaves,  and no one came to help.

    You were in serious trouble,  but you prayed to the LORD,  and he rescued you.

    He brought you out  of the deepest darkness  and broke your chains.

    You should praise the LORD  for his love  and for the wonderful things  he does for all of us.

    He breaks down bronze gates  and shatters iron locks.

Whoa… that’s me. I’ve been worn out from working like a slave. No one was helping me, or even able to. I was bound by my own self-made chains, suffering  with self-scorn and spiraling into a funky depression. So…all I had to do was pray to God? Well that’s weird because that’s what I have been doing and nothing is getting better.  But then my eyes fell back on to that part about refusing His advice. Then the part about calling on Him and He would rescue me.

You see it?? All this time, here I was thinking that I had called on God, but all I had really been doing was talking at Him. Remember what I said? I had been telling Him to show ME what the problem was so I could figure out how to fix it. Never once had I called on Him to fix it all for me…to swoop in and rescue me from this latest ridiculousness that I’d created for myself. Never once had I just turned it over to Him and said God, unless you come through for me on this and fix it for me, I’m not gonna make it.

So there it is, all back to trust and obedience. I saw Him just sitting back and shaking His head, with a grin on His face that said finally, you’re hearing Me. That was the key all along…not thinking that I was going to figure out a way to fix all this junk, not that I ever could have, but trusting Him to fix it for me, and to become a little more like His Son along the way somehow.

The coolest part was later when I was meditating on these verses and I couldn’t stop thinking about that word advice. That was the part that I was stuck on…okay, God, what specifically is this advice of yours that I haven’t heeded? I really sensed Him tell me that I’d find out soon enough. So I went about my morning, getting ready to just enjoy an entire day doing nothing related to work, but just loving the beautiful weather (this is my favorite time of year!) and visiting with family and spending time with the delicious man that He made for me. I was nearly giddy just thinking about it. While I was brushing my teeth, I decided to go check the Bible Gateway verse of the day on my phone, which I frequently do as a way to kick-off my day. It said simply:

Do as God does. After all, you are his dear children -Ephesians 5:1

Thank you, Abba. That’s good advice. I AM your child. I don’t need to worry about anything else.

Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

I hate this question.

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I’m in the second week of the James read-along and I literally just had the thought that maybe my current near-nervous-breakdown (don’t freak out on that one…I use that term fairly regularly to describe my ridiculous overly-dramatic reaction to things) might be related to it. It’s going to take a while to piece it all together, but I’ll put that little idea in my back pocket for a sec.

Anyhooooo….moving right along from that ADD moment…Here’s the killer verse this week:

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

Flashback to The Help movie, which I just saw a few weeks ago with my book club gals. I keep thinking about how Hilly the Terrible (that’s my personal name for her,  a high-society, self-righteous, racist snob in the 3rd degree)  responded when her maid asked her for an advance in pay in order to be able to send both of her boys to college, rather than choosing which one she would be able to afford to send. Hilly the Terrible responded by saying that she, as a Christian, was going to “help her out,” and you could see the smile faintly crack on the maid’s face. That is, until Hilly the Terrible continued on to explain that “God doesn’t give charity to those who are able” and told the maid that she’d just have to find a way to come up with that money herself.

Nice.

So what does that have to do with the book of James? Specifically that chunk above? Well it has a lot to do with me, a high-society (aka richer than 99.9% of the rest of the peeps on this planet,) self-righteous, (albeit non-racist) snob in the 10th degree. You know why? Because even though I have my moments where I feel that double-edged sword cut through me and divide my self from my spirit and I truly feel love for someone else to the point where I would just meet their needs (like Danny, for example) …the other side of that coin is that most of the time I catch myself thinking: How far does that verse really go? I mean, if I have the means to do anything I can to meet the needs of a fellow human being, how detailed do we get here? Does that mean in the big stuff that comes my way, like sponsoring a child in a faraway land? Because I have that box checked, twice (yay, look at me, right!?) But does it even “count” if there’s no sacrifice involved for me? I mean, I can provide education, clothing, food, shelter, medical care, stability, and spiritual growth for  a child for less than it costs to fill up my gas tank 1 and 1/2 times. So….what did I really do that cost me anything?

And even if that stuff counts, then how much am I expected to give, really? Giving (money, anyway) is not really an area where my husband and I struggle. Now I’m not saying that to sound all awesome, because believe me, there are a million other areas where we do struggle that others just plain have it goin’ on in, you know? But that’s one we’ve always been on the same page with since we’ve met, and I believe God has given us a great measure of grace regarding that area because He led us to begin teaching others about financial responsibility and giving. Makes sense, right? But if I think I’m doing just fine and then I’m holding a $6 Starbucks, did I really show my faith? That $6 could go a long way in India, my friends. The other night I was at a party where goods were being sold from a catalog.  Accessories, not necessities. (UUUGGHHH I can’t believe I’m telling this story….) When it was over, the total sales were tallied up and they amounted to several hundred dollars. HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS. Enough to sponsor another girl for an entire year. I pushed down the little twinge of guilt I felt when I heard the total because I wasn’t sure if it was real conviction or a piece of equipment on the devil’s playground, so I pushed it away and decided I’d deal with it later, that I’d ask God to clear all that up for me. This is the first time I’m revealing it at all. In fact, I kinda forgot about it until just now.

So did I, in effect,  silently say, “go, be well and have a good day” to an orphan somewhere overseas because I pushed away that feeling, that thought of Oh, my goodness, a room full of people just spent enough money to take care of an orphan for the next year without saying anything or doing anything differently? I mean, I did want my new purse, after all. And plus, mentioning that after everyone has purchased their items isn’t exactly the best way to keep a party going, now is it? [Here comes Debbie Downer!]

Now, I am certainly not against Starbucks or pretty purses or any of the people who buy them. But those are good examples of the things that race through my mind when I hear this whole “faith without works” verse. HOW MUCH is really expected of us? I know we are allowed to enjoy some pleasures here on earth, but at what point is it just too much excess? Is it wrong for me to enjoy something even though I know choosing not to enjoying it could benefit someone else? In my mind I think well, it’s not like I’m directly hurting anyone or taking something away from someone who needs it. Or…am I?

The fact that I am even thinking so much about the details involved with how much good I have to do is disturbing to me. Since when did my faith become that I-still-want-to-get-away-with-enjoying-as-much-as-I-can-for-myself-while-still-meeting-my-Jesus-quota kind of thing? While I don’t consciously think that whenever I’m going through my daily life, this digging through the book of James business is making me want to get to the bottom of this It’s  like digging out a splinter. Ouch.

Lord, help please dig out this splinter before a full-blown infection takes its place.

What about you? Is this a valid concern or more false guilt? If faith without works is dead (and it is, because, um…the Bible already told us so) then how are you doing? Thoughts, please.

I am being torn up.

un-balanced

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Someone got me a little perpetual calendar that I have sitting in my classroom. It’s called something like 365 Daily Prayers for Teachers. I flipped through some days this week after forgetting to change it for a while. Here’s what I saw:

Wow…that’s interesting. I’d just been talking recently about how I’ve been needing some rest or I’m going to get burned out.

Hmmm… that’s kinda weird. Sounds a lot like the first one. And a lot like what I need. I am not relating right now to that whole “moments of peace” thing though.

Um, okay….I’m getting a little freaked out now. Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed, to say the least. Todd and I had just been talking about me asking another teacher (someone who I think is “with it” but doesn’t work 5 million extra hours every week) to help me figure out what’s going on and why I can’t seem to stop feeling like my head is barely above water.

This is what I have to keep in mind. I do love what I do. I’m good at it (usually) and I get to show love to lots of kids every day. So why am I feeling so out of sorts right now? I can’t seem to get my groove or feel like I’m doing anything right. Anything. I was praying today, asking God to let me know if I’m fretting about all this for no reason. After all, He made me to be a teacher. Of that there is no doubt. He changed my mind about what it means to be a mother, so maybe I just needed Him to change my mind about what it means to be a teacher. So I was starting to ask Him to calm my heart about all of this. I just have to work hard, because I don’t want anything less for this kids than what I give them every day. In fact I would really like a whole lot more for them. They deserve it. It’s what I was made to do, so I just need to find peace with the fact that this is what it takes to make it happen, right?

Then it dawned on me, a verse that Todd and I speak of often when we are facilitating an FPU class. It’s a proverb that says the blessing of the Lord makes your life rich, and there is no sorrow added to it. Now that’s the KLC paraphrased version of course, but that last line is a quote. The things God blesses me with will make my life rich, and there is now sorrow added to it. The opposite of sorrow is joy. So If my circumstances are what God has blessed me with to enrich my life, then why is there a lack of joy? Why is there continual sorrow because of feeling like I’m always letting someone down or not doing anything well enough (or well at all?) Why am I exhausted and frazzled instead of refreshed and calm? I know that everyone goes through periods of unrest, but this has turned into a lifestyle for me. My overall, underlying sense of joy hasn’t surfaced in a while. Instead, those ugly cousins, discontent and confusion, have shown their nasty faces, and they’re kind of all I seem to see lately. I feel like if this is the way things keep up, I’m not going to last as a teacher. I’m just not cut out for feeling that my life is so unbalanced all the time.

Then today, although I don’t have a picture to share, my next message came in the form of a little slip of fortune-cookie paper:

Joyfulness will prolong your days.

Yeah, I kinda figured that.

I would really appreciate your prayers. I feel so imbalanced. Every time I walk out of my school after a 12 hour day and see my lone car in the parking lot, all I can hear is LOSER in my head. Especially when my car was also the first one in the parking lot that day. **SIGH**

God, search me. Show me what the problem is. Is it You convicting me or am I or my enemy just condemning myself? Please shine your light on this for me, so I can see what’s hanging out there in the dark that I can’t get in touch with. In the meantime, protect my husband and I, as this has opened up a door an invited in every manner of attack against us. Every little thing is getting to us and that’s not who we are at all.

Wisdom, please.

The DO-ing part: phase 1

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During the first week of our read-along of the book of James, we’ve been challenged not only to read the words of the scripture, but to actually do what James says to do: DO WHAT IT SAYS.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. (v.22)

There are many instructions for us to follow throughout scripture, some of which are not explicitly clear or can be applied different ways. But this one is pretty clear…no matter the command, James reminds us to DO what it says! Seems overly simple, but although I have read the bible and have a fairly good understanding of it, I admit that I still find myself daily failing at that tiny little detail of doing what it says. There’s that darn obedience thing again, right?

In fact, James pretty much tells us we’d be idiots not to do what the Word says. He says that a person who just listens to the Word of God but doesn’t do what it says is like a person who looks at his face in the mirror then walks away and forgets what he looks like. (v. 23-24.) I don’t know about you, but a person like that would seem pretty daft to me.

So, my daftness aside, I’ve come to a realization. I am the queen of trying to be an overachiever. (Lord help me with those “mmmm-hmmms” that I’m getting right now just from admitting this publicly!) I have a hard time just saying no to people.  I have a tendency to jump head-first into something without a lot of prayer, then I realize I’ve bit off more than I should have, then I can’t do my best at whatever it is, then I get grumpy and run-down, then I’m all bitter for having ever done the thing in the first place. What is that about!? For some reason I always feel like I have to do the biggest and best thing, and I end up ignoring all the little things along the way that really make up the person I am supposed to be. (You have no idea how hard this is for me to be confessing right now….ugh) So the whole big-shebang is not the point. The big events aren’t what make me who I am.  I’m starting to see that the little, everyday moments– the everyday choices that I make– are the actual threads that make up the fabric of my life. So I can sew a big flashy decoration on it if I want, but if the fabric is bad, nothing pretty and shiny will hold anyway.

So, of course when I read the challenge to share what I plan to do to become a DOer, and not just a HEARer of the word, my mind went to all this big stuff about studying for hours every day and starting a big prayer thing and all this other business. But God was so gracious to shut off that line of thinking for just a second and make me breathe. He’s nudging me in the direction of this to-do list instead:

  • Ask God for a bit of wisdom each day before I do something, instead of wondering later if I should have done it
  • Be slower to speak (that’s going to be a tough one!) and more eager to listen (equally tough for me!)   
  • Write letters to both of our sponsored girls this week, Zoila in Guatemala and Donna in India  
  • Spend some time with my mom, without any other reason to visit.
  • Keep a tighter rein on my tongue, by not participating in gossip or other negative talk when the opportunity presents itself (I’m pretty sure I already blew it this one, but I’m hitting the reset button)

What are you planning to do to become a DOer?

ALL joy, ALL the time

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I started my read-along of the book of James today. I’ve read this book several times and there’s always something fresh to be seen. One thing that never changes is that I’m always appalled by one of its opening verses, one that will be very familiar to you if you’ve read this book before, or even have been around church for a while. You probably know it…. Count it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of every kind.

Or maybe you’ve heard it and a few other verses like this:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

WHAT!? Joy? When I face trials? Like when life is unfair and bad things happen to good people (even if I think that’s me) and when I lose a bunch of money in the stock-market and when my friend’s daughter gets cancer and when my job demands too much of me, and when a relationship gets broken and when people say things about me that are hurtful and untrue (or true) and when I just can’t take another minute of it all? That’s when I’m supposed to count all those things up and claim that their sum is still joy?

I like how The Message translation puts it:

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

So, not only am I to consider my trials a joy whenever they come at me, but as they come at me from all sides. And furthermore, it’s going to be trials of all kinds! And that really is what it feels like sometimes, isn’t it, friends? Everything’s coming at you from all sides at all times.

Consider it pure joy, a sheer GIFT, even, that you GET to go through this junk. I love that next line, because it’s really true: We all know that under pressure, our faith-life really does get forced out into the open and its true colors are shown. In fact they spill right out into the open, where everyone who was already watching and those who hadn’t before noticed get to see who this Jesus really is to you and if He can actually withstand a bit of shaken ground, or even a full-blown earthquake.

What does James tell us to show?? Joy. That joy can still be found right in the midst of those crazy life-happenings. That moment (or 50) that is just about to be the very last straw…we can rest in real joy. And doesn’t that have something to do with peace that transcends all understanding? Well that may be for another time…

Many more thoughts on this book and believe me, there’s much more application for me to do. Right now I’m sleeping and I have a lot more processing to do before I post on my next thought from chapter 1 of James.  

Sweet, joyous dreams to you, fellow readers.

 

Can you hear me now?

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So, I finally took some time tonight to catch up on an amazing little blog that I can’t even recall how I discovered, written by a local author by the name of Marla Taviano, who seems pretty darn amazing herself. I’ve been reading one of her books lately, entitled Is That All He Thinks About?: How to Enjoy Great Sex With Your Husband (way more on that later!) and I must say, I am enjoying the way that through her writing, this lady just brings it —the truth, that is— in a way that is  gentle but also a little bit in-yo’-face when it needs to be. Now I don’t know her personally, but she just seems very….real.  That’s my kinda gal.

Anyway, she’s decided to invite folks to do a read-along of the book of James, starting this week. Now, I mentioned to her once through a comment on her blog that I was a little freaked out by how timely some of her posts have been for me recently. You know that weird feeling when you’ve been thinking of something for a while and all of a sudden the whole universe  seems to confirm your thoughts and point you in the direction you need to go? Well that’s happened a few times recently through this little lady’s blog, among other things, and seeing this invitation to read through the book of James, it’s happening again.

I’ve been pondering what to read next in just about every way.  I’ve been shuffling back and forth through the pages of my bible lately, not really giving myself to one particular book or topic. I have several professional books that I’ve recently purchased and I’m trying to figure out which one will give me the most bang for my buck, since my personal reading time just got slashed by about a million percent when school began a couple of weeks ago. (FYI: A workaholism post will be following soon…maybe.) My book club just finished up an awesome novel and we’re looking for a new book to read…should we do another novel or try another book that is more life-application-ish?? The decisions…

Well, at least one of those decisions has been made for me. Whether or not this will be a book club pick or not, I know I’ve got to do this read-along. Because all these little road signs and nudges have been pointing to something to do with this verse, what I like to call the second scariest verse in the bible:

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Guess where it hails from? The book of James. Mmmmm-hmmmmm. Anyone joining me?? If so, check out the details and introduce yourself over at Marla’s blog here.  

I know I’m not good at it, God, but You’ve got me listening, and that’s a start, right?  I am listening.

Abolition U

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A few weeks ago I wrote this post about human trafficking. It’s hard to believe it is even real, but it is. And it’s closer than any of us want to think. What can any of us do to fight such a huge, ugly monster?

One of the ways is to become informed. There are many great organizations and people who are already devoting their entire lives or even just a few hours a month to fighting this sick modern-day slavery. Sign up for this class, Abolition U, with me. It’s offered by a locally-founded organization called Doma International, and these good people are kicking some serious butt against the enemy of human trafficking. They are life-changers. 

 I’m just getting my feet wet with all this, I’m certainly no expert. But every time I see or hear anything about people who’ve been forced into working for no pay, or selling their body for the gain of another, I get angry. No, I get furious. I get furious on their behalf and I want to do something to make it stop. But I don’t know how. But I do know that there is hope for them, and there’s a good chance that God’s people are part of that hope. So I plan to pray about how I might be involved, and I plan to learn whatever I can about it. 

Check it out. Pray about it. Sign up if you’d like to be involved. Below is the email about the class that was sent to me by one of the hard-working folks at Doma. It includes an overview of the course. Hope to see you there!

Hello, Wonderful Potential Abolitionists!

Get ready to change your life–Abolition U will teach you exactly what’s going on with human trafficking around the world and here in Columbus, but even more importantly, it will help you to learn how you can fight slavery with your own resources and talents. For many people who fight slavery, it takes a long time to figure out exactly who’s missions we believe in and how we can help–Abolition U can slim that down to a powerful three day journey.

Here’s a mini-syllabus. All classes will meet at the Vineyard Church, 6000 Cooper Rd. in Westerville, Saturdays, 9-6. People of any and all beliefs, backgrounds and ages are welcome.

October 8
Field trip! We start with a trek to the Underground Railroad Freedom Center. On the bus we will introduce ourselves, pass out the real syllabi, and learn how we all would like to fight human trafficking and have fought it so far. At the Freedom Center, we will eat a great lunch (bring a little cash), and tour the facility, really understanding the role slavery has played in history and how its evil head has reared back up. It’s a truly enlightening experience.

On the way back, we’ll discuss the trip and hand out books to be read for discussion at the November 5 class.

October 29 and November 5
We will meet with representatives from the strongest arms of abolition in central Ohio–top folk from Gracehaven House, CATCH Court, the FBI/CPD, doma and CORRC, who unites us all. We will learn about HT from every angle possible, and how we can best fight it.

Money
It costs $15 to register, please do so by pasting this into an address line:

https://app.etapestry.com/cart/domainternational/default/item.php?ref=1569.0.48486423

Your entrance fee to the Freedom Center and books are paid for.

Teachers
Julie Clark, founder of doma International, and I, an abolitionist for the past three years, teach this class. Please contact me at this email or via phone, 614.684.8060, with any questions at all.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your interest in this issue. Slavery has been knocked out before, and we all need to work together to do it again.

Obedience: I’m in love, again.

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I met a new friend today. His name is Danny. I’m in love.

It’s okay, you can tell my husband. I plan to.

It started when I saw him this afternoon, while I was out and about going several different places across the city in a [failed] attempt to buy some new clothes. Not because I’m running around threadbare or naked. Not even close. (You’re welcome.) I just like to buy a couple of new things each year when school starts. You know, new school clothes.

So in all my driving around I was downtown near the arena district when I spotted my new love. There he was, in the afternoon sun, wearing what appeared to be the same clothes he’d worn for days. His scraggly beard was fairly long. He was missing several teeth (which I could tell from quite far away) and he was at least 5 inches shorter than me.

PERFECT.

However, it was not exactly love at first sight. It was more like love at first nudge. I was in my car, coming up to a red light and in the middle lane. He was standing on the sidewalk to my right, slowly walking. His sign said “Homeless and very needy. Please help.” I watched him from the corner of my eye for just a couple of seconds. I could see the disappointment and a little speck of disdain on his face as every driver and passenger kept their eyes starkly facing forward as he walked by, refusing to acknowledge what they’d surely already seen.

A person. A man. A man in need of something. In need of something so badly that he resorted to begging anyone –everyone– to help.

That’s when I heard our love song. Cranking in my car at that exact moment was:

Your love, Your love/ the only thing that matters is/ Your love, Your love/it’s all I have to give

Your love/ is enough/ to light up the darkness/ It’s Your love, Your love/ All I ever needed is Your love

I knew then that I was his answer, at least for that day. God wanted to use me to deliver some love and maybe even provide him with the means to eat that day. So I started to reach for my purse, to get some money out. The light turned green. All the cars around me started to move and I needed to get over. No one was even thinking about acquiescing to my turn signal. I was starting to create a line of angry drivers who were behind me since I was inconveniencing them by making a last-minute decision to change lanes. It was annoying, I admit. So I hit the gas pedal and moved forward onto the freeway ramp I was right in line for. I had a moment, just a moment, where I thought well, it wasn’t meant to be since I wasn’t able to get to him quickly enough. I’ll pray for him. Then…

Why worry about someone’s soul but don’t bother to give them a basic need when you know you can?

FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD. (James Ch.2, the kinda-ghetto Krysten version)

I thought about all the other songs I’d listened to that day while I was out and about doing my thing. The lyrics shot through me light lightning bolts, one right after another.

I want more of you, God…

        I’ve found a love greater than life itself….

                     No place I’d rather be/ than here in Your love…

                                         Nothing can tear us from/ the grip of His mighty love…

                                                            He lavishes His love upon us/ He calls us now his sons and daughters…

                                                                        We’ve only glimpsed/ His vast affection/ heard whispers of/His heart and passion…

So I DID pray, but not for the man. I prayed that he would still be there so I could go do what I knew God was asking of me.  (So I guess I was praying for myself?) I got off at the next exit. I turned around. I got back on the freeway. I spotted my man and found a place to park. I walked toward him and was keenly aware of all the confused and frightened scares of the people in the cars when they realized I was talking right up to him.

I tapped him on the shoulder and told him how happy I was that he was still there. (again, was this for me?)

He smiled his toothless smile and hugged me.

I told him I saw him a little earlier but couldn’t get to him, but that I’d turned my car around and came back so I could come give him some money to help him through the day.(Why did I tell him that? What did I expect, a medal!?)

And you know what he said?

He said: “Well, you didn’t have to do that! All you had to do was love me!”

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOVE ME.

He told me his name was Danny. We talked for a while about how the weather was nice even though it was hot, and how his back hurt and how he just sleeps any place he can find, and how he knows the people who owned the building he was standing near but they don’t have anywhere for him to stay in there. He hugged me three times and introduced himself twice in the span of 5 minutes.  He’d been on the streets for 25 years. YEARS.

I told him I would look for him again, and I will. I told him I would be praying for him to stay safe and for his back to heal. And I will. He was so thankful to hear that, of all things.

The whole experience took less than 15 minutes, surely. But he will last forever whether I see him again or not. I’d been wondering lately if I’ve been obedient to God, I mean anytime recently. I’d seen such beautiful pictures painted in several lives around me, of just pure obedience and the lovely results that follow. I couldn’t remember the last time I was obedient to a nudge from the Spirit. I’d asked Him to bring something to mind so I could remember it, but  God was gracious enough to do me one better…. He gave me a new opportunity to be obedient to his voice. It’s almost romantic.

All I had to do was love him, he said.

Done.

A Week’s Worth of Accusation

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How about we have a little share time, shall we?

Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve heard being said to me this week:

  • You’re too much to deal with.
  • No one takes you seriously.
  • Why bother? You’re just going to go back to the same old crap.
  • No one really even knows you
  • Why would anyone care what you have to say?
  • Wait until they all find out you don’t really know what the hell you’re talking about.
  • You’re never going to be anything other than some fat chick.
  • You can’t do anything right.
  • Apparently the only thing you know how to do right is to eat.
  • You talk too much.
  • No one cares about your issues.
  • You’re not even a good friend.
  • You always expect too much.
  • You will always be let down.
  • Why are you such a fake?
  • You’re so embarrassing.
  • If you were more [fill in the blank with 100 different things] that wouldn’t be a problem.
  • You bring this all on yourself
  • You should feel sorry for yourself
  • Your husband isn’t interested in what you have to say. No one is, remember?
  • No one really notices you or cares to.
  • Failure is all you have going on.
  • Why do you have to be so needy all the time?
  • You are such a freakin’ loser.
  • You’re ridiculous, thinking some God cares about your issues.
  • If you really believed in that anyway, wouldn’t you be a little better by now?
  • You’ve always screw everything up.
  • Can’t you do just one thing right?
  • Get yourself together.
  • What is wrong with you?
  • Why do you always have to say something?
  • Just keep your mouth shut, no one wants to hear it
  • You’re a joke
  • You’re never going to be good enough
  • You haven’t changed a bit.

Here are some other (more pleasant!) things that were also said to me this week:

  • I love you
  • You’re the bomb
  • You’re an awesome teacher
  • You’re beautiful

Now these two lists are actual things that went through my mind this week. Some were literally said to me out loud. Most were things that I heard in my own mind. I don’t share these thoughts so everyone can be like “oh, don’t worry, none of that is true” or anything like that. In fact, I’m not trying to have a pity party at all. I had been trying to earlier this week, but quite frankly right now I am just pissed off.

You see, it dawned on me yesterday that these things have been rolling around in my mind all week. I mean, everyone thinks a negative thought about themselves every now and then, but I have literally been bombarded with negative, self-loathing whispers in my ears all day and night since I woke up Monday morning. I began just thinking I was “in a funk” like I occasionally get in to. Just one of those “off”  kind of days. But then the next day and the next day were the same and it just seems to be getting worse.

What is the deal!?

Today it clicked. When I was again hearing the 556,345,234,0293  things about myself that were hideous and awful, I reminded myself to stop and just try to think of all the positive things that had been said to me this week. The 4 listed above were truly all I could recall.

I am not a miserable, unhappy person. In fact, I am one of the happiest, upbeat folks I know. My life is pretty great, actually. I have a wonderful husband, a job that I love and I’m excited to start up again soon, we don’t want for anything, I have wonderful friends who I love spending time with, a church I am proud to be a part of and I get to live the rest of my life as a new creation because of my relationship with God. So..seriously, why would I be hearing all of these loathesome things about myself?? I don’t worry much but I was starting to…Why am I hearing/thinking all these things about myself? Are they true?  Do I just think I am happy? Am I really unhappy deep down and these things are starting to come to the surface? I had a momentary thought to that effect, but then quickly shook that off started to get mad because I saw it. I saw that ugliness for what it really was.

Accusation.

I already know that the enemy of God –my enemy– is like a lion prowling around, seeking whom he may devour. How does he try to devour me? With accusation. With lies. He is the father of all lies and just as God can only speak truth because He is Truth, our enemy can only speak lies because he in himself is nothing but deceit. That’s a sad existence. No wonder he wants to beat us down with lies…to make us just as miserable as He is.

So, I began to do what I know we need to do to overcome our accuser:

 For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
      has been thrown down to earth—
   the one who accuses them
      before our God day and night.
  And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
      and by their testimony. -Revelation 12:10-11

I started to say out loud all the facts that I know about myself…that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, that the old things have passed away, and the new has come about….that I am now called a child of God and I’ve been adopted into His family and He gives me my identity. I started to combat those nasty lies with the truth… spoken out loud, and in-his-face with an attitude that I know I can afford to have because the God of all creation literally has my back.

But as soon as that flood of words began, I realized that they were being used more for my own self-comfort than they were for weaponry this time. There is something to speaking truth aloud, don’t get me wrong…it is powerful. Many things have been conquered by the Word. But when scripture says to us that “they [all of my brothers and sisters] have defeated him [the accuser] by the blood of the Lamb  and by their testimony,” That means it has already been done. That means that they have defeated the accuser simply by having the blood of the lamb (their covering in Jesus) upon them. They have defeated the accuser simply by their testimony…by the life they now life in Christ, imperfect but new, and being made more like Him every day.

Just by us being one of the brothers or sisters of Jesus, we can be sure our accuser is already defeated. So even though I felt like a big fat failure this week…even though last night I went to bed feeling sure that somehow I had let a friend down… even though I see myself not being the best version of me I could be… the fact is that I have already defeated the accuser who keeps coming at me with false accusations, or by taking the true not-so-great moments in my life and twisting them to sound like they are actually who I am rather than just some dumb stuff I’ve momentarily done. I just need to remember that I have already defeated the accuser, even if he does stand day and night ready to continue accusing me.

“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”  -1 John 4:4

I know who I am. And I know Who is in me.