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Thinking Outside the Toilet

So yesterday I was plunging the toilet in one of my bathrooms (don’t judge me, it just needs done sometimes!) and I was thinking to myself:  plunging a toilet is the most disgusting thing in the world. I can’t believe I am even doing this. You would think by now that someone could invent a toilet that wouldn’t have this problem. What about that Dyson guy? He’s a genius. I mean, if he can invent a supersonic suction vacuum cleaner and a fan with no blades, surely the dude can make a toilet that won’t need me to do the sick deed of plunging it. I mean REALLY!!!

It was so dramatic in my head. The princess inside of me was screaming. But immediately after that thought, I heard “um, shut up…you have a toilet.” Now I am not claiming to have audibly heard this, but I think there are things you hear inside of yourself and things you can audibly hear outside of yourself and neither of them is any less real than the other.  Right away I was overwhelmed, as I finished the “all clear” brush & flush, by the fact that I don’t have to navigate a deeply dug hole with flies and the stench of human waste and Lord knows what else looming around as I do my business. And better yet, I don’t have a shallow “nose-powdering” ditch in my yard that is accessible to the whole community and creates a stream of sickness that neighborhood children have to try to step over when they walk through the streets. I don’t have to deal with any of those things. I just have to plunge a toilet once in a million years. SHUT UP.

So, that was what I called my cosmic bitch-slap for the day. It might sound crude, but don’t people need a big ol’ bitch-slap once in a while to calm them down and snap them back into reality? I apparently do. It’s those little moments in my life where I’m just feeling all sorry for myself until God breaks into my comfy little space and says REALLY, girl?!? (yes, that’s how He talks to me…if you don’t like it, get your own God-voice that sounds like Ned Flanders or something… but I hear a little ghetto in my God speak, okay?) He reminds me of just how good I have it and how instead of whining and complaining about my tiny, minute discomforts, I need to be thankful for the amazing level of comfort and convenience I enjoy on a daily basis.

So thank you, God, for incredible people who invent incredible things like the Dyson no-blade fan and cars and clean running water systems and of course, the flushable toilet. I have no idea how blessed I really am, even if I only count the things that I see as modern necessities (and if I’m honest, I count them as modern-day rights.) Show your love to those people everywhere who haven’t even heard of all of these conveniences, and are happy just to love you even without comfort and convenience. I pray you’ll send me a cosmic bitch-slap anytime I need one so I can become more like them.  I love you.


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